remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
