saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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