you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
