im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
