At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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