YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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