sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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