just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
