your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
