Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
