he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have fence marks all over my body
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
