Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
