i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
