Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
