dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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