he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
