your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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