Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
