I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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