If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
