also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
