i just wanna soil my oats bro
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
