If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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