genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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