i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
