If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
