at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
