you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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