I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
