If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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