This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
