Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
