Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
