there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
