Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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