Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
