I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
