No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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