You smell like stripper and shame
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
