I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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