Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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