Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
