I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
