so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
