Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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