The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
