I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
