What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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