and she was petting her beer can
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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