we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
