hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
