I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
